History Repeats Itself

Someday, I might have a son or a daughter.  And I know they're going to meet someone one day, and I'm going to try my best to tell them, "Be careful. Don't do something for them, if it's not for you, too. Because you'll regret it if things don't work out."  And they're going to look at me like I'm old and silly, and say, "Mom, I'm not going to make the same mistakes you did."  And it's going to break my heart as I pray that that is true, and that they truly do find someone who will be worth their gifts and sacrifices.

He is moving out, and he says he wants "space" and so we can't see each other or talk after he's gone, for some indeterminate amount of time. Until he's ready.  He doesn't know when he'll be ready to be my friend.  He's moving out on Sunday, and he's cutting me off at that point, and he's doing everything in his power to avoid me this week, when it's the last time I have with him for who knows how long.

And he's seeing some girl. And he really likes her, and I don't want him to.  I want him to want me, not somebody else.  And I'm so ashamed of myself for letting someone break my heart again and again and again.  I'm ashamed that I don't have more self-respect than this.  That I keep begging him and pleading with him and praying that despite everything he has put me hrough, that he'll take me back.

I hate my life these days.  I don't even know who I am anymore.  I do't want to be like this, but I don't want to stop loving him.

The Amazing Single Woman

Nearly all of my friends believe that I should embrace being single. I haven't been single since I was 18, and this is somehow unhealthy and being a serial monogamisht is apparently a crutch.

But I hate being alone. I have always been happiest when I've had someone to rely on and love and feel loved by.  That's a lie. I used to be that way. My ex, my love, is the only man I've ever been with who managed to make me feel miserable for loving him.

I finally broke and said to my best childhood friend that I was sick of being alone. She said she had been waiting for that; she said she knows I'm not the kind of person who enjoys being single, and that I should just ignore everyone else and do what makes me happy.

The weird thing is, I've always had such an easy time jumping straight into another relationship - I've never been single for longer than a month or two since my first year of university. I think I've lost my game.

But in any case. I hate it. I just want somebody to want me. My friend, who I like and am attracted to (very much) and recently had his heart broken, too; I've more or less propositioned him twice now - last night he even crashed in my bed and we drunkenly passed out half-naked but doing nothing but holding each other...

he's the only person to ever reject me or say they didn't want to at least have sex with me. So that's... I don't know.  Probably it shows that he is a bigger person than I am. In the meantime, I just feel like I want someone to want me. To really want me, to see me and be in love with me.

And maybe that's not fair, because they won't get all of me, I probably won't be in love with them, at least not deeply, but damn it, I am sick of feeling unloved and alone and unwanted.  I just want to be with someone again.  I didn't get a rebound relationship after this breakup, and maybe I really need one. Or maybe I just need something honest and gentle and special, even if it's not as powerful as what I thought I had with my ex was, what's left in my heart for him.

Maybe I just want something benign and safe and good and stable and warm that I can come to bed to find waiting for me.

Maybe I should stop listening to my Catharthis playlist.

Bah.

Everytime you think you're getting on an even keel, something happens to remind you how broken hearted you are.

Sometimes I hate myself for the decisions I've made around this relationship. I feel like all I do is torture myself.

I had coffee with an old acquaintence today who I haven't spoken to in 2 years... he's in the same boat, go figure, living with his ex. I thought I was the only crazy person in town...

My Slutty Week (yeah yeah, not very feminist of me)*

We were drunk on Thursday night, and he asked me to come to bed with him. I had spent the previous two or three nights convincing myself not to ask him if I could stay in his room - and succeeding! Which is good, there have been more than a few times where I did ask, so I felt really strong (miserable, but strong) that I didn't.  But on Thursday, he asked, and of course I said yes.  Does he really think I'll ever say no to him?  I'll never mean it, even if I manage eventually to say it.

So we went to bed and we had sex.  It was different than it's been up to this point though.  He was gentler, took more time... I don't know.  It felt more affectionate and less dissonant.  The pattern since we broke up was that we would have sex and it would be immediate and rough and little-to-no foreplay, and he would be out of bed immediately afterwards.  This time it wasn't like that.  So I don't know what that means, or if it means anything.  Maybe it just happened and there's not underlying meaning, but I can't really buy that.  I'm a firm believer that our actions belie our underlying psyche, especially when we're drunk.

And then... the next nigh (last night) I went out with some friends, and I hooked up with my friend's friend.  This would be the first guy I've slept with other than my ex since the breakup.  (There was one guy during the relationship, during an orgy we had).  So... I don't know.  It's kind of weird.

It wasn't bad - we were both pretty drunk, but we had sex again this morning before I went home.  It was different, obviously, made all the more obvious by the fact that I had slept with my ex the night before.  So there's te obvious comparisons (the hookup was bigger).  He wasn't bad, but I didn't orgasm.  I have never been with a guy where I didn't orgasm during sex.  I'm trying to think of one time that ever happened, and besides the time I lost my virginity, I honestly don't think I have ever not orgasmed during sex with a guy.  So... I don't know, that's unfortunate.  Maybe it was a combination of being too drunk the night before, and too dehydrated in the morning...

I missed the familiarity.  I know all the things that get my ex going during sex.  I know exactly where to lick or touch or what to say to drive him nuts... Hookup Guy was... unknown.  And quiet, so I couldn't even tell if anything I was doing was turning him on or not or what.

So. I don't know.  That was a weird experience, sort of.  He's a cute guy, seems nice enough.  The goodbyes were a little awkward.  I gave him my number and he sort of stood about 3 feet away as I left.  So... kind of awkward, yeah.

Now I just feel sad.  I miss my ex.  I miss being in a relationship with him.  There's still so many times I just want to reach out and hold his hand, and I can't.  We'll be sitting together watching tv or something, and I'll just want to rest my head on his shoulder and hold his arm and smell him and know that good things await us.  And.... it's not possible. And I sit there trying not to cry when that happens, and trying to focus on whatever we're watching, and not on how close he is and still untouchable.

Korea will be good for me, if only because it will force distance.

----

*I say slutty week in the title because I also had sex this week with one of the girls I've been seeing.  So. 3 people in one week. It's a bit much, especially for me.

Setbacks

It's hard to reconcile the fact that you're someone's past now.  That when they talk about you to someone, you're "this girl I dated once" or "my ex". It's harder to reconcile the fact that somebody else is eventually going to fill the space you once did.  Somebody else is going to get to be "my wife".

Here's my tip: build a fort in your living room using blankets and the dining room table, and watch movies. I don't recommend 500 Days of Summer. Especially if you've been drinking.

Slowly but Surely (and Painfully)

I believe less and less that he will actually turn around and want to be with me again.  But I still hope as hard as ever that it will happen.  That I will get that 1 in a million chance that will turn him around.  I really miss him.  I keep hoping one of his friends will finally talk sense into him (fat chance, I am sure they are all telling him he's better off without me) or that he'll see me interacting with his family, and it will show him how good I would be in his life.

He told me a couple months ago, when I first mentioned to him that I was thinking of moving out, that he would really miss me, and that I was the only friend he really had to spend time with these days.  But that's not so much the case these days.  He has lots of girls vying to fill up his dance card and every time I turn around he's out fucking some new girl or another.  And then me.  Because I cannot ever bring myself to say no to that man.  Because even though I know it will never work, I have this stupid shred of hope that says to me, maybe this time, it will remind him how good we were together.  But in any case, if I moved out now, I don't think he'd care much.  He'd probably prefer it, honestly.  He's got lots of new friends who will have sex with him whenever he wants or is bored or lonely.

Anyway.  I'm looking again at sublets.  I can't afford much more than what I am paying now, so it's still unlikely that I'll be able to move out.  And I don't really want to, but at the same time, I want to stop torturing myself.  It's such a mess.  I miss him so much.  Which I ma have already said in this post, but it's hard to tell because I can't see the screen very well through my tears.  How's that for emo?  Ugh.  I've turned into such a freak since he dumped me.

Korea's going to be very good for me.  I need to get away.  Far, far away.  And I know that before I go, I'm going to tell him that I love him.  And that all he'll ever have to do is ask.  But, I'll be leaving, and he will have time away from me to think about what he's actually lost.  He hasn't lost anything in this.  If I want him back, if I want to believe that he'll love me again, I know it won't like this.  He hasn't lost me.  He lives with me.  Whenever he's horny, I'll have sex with him.  We cook together, we eat together, we work together, we spend whatever free time he's not fucking other girls together.  He has not only gotten his cake, but he gets to eat it, too.  I am the only person who's lost anything in this arrangement.  And that's not fair to me.  It's harmful to me.

Yes, he is my friend, and one of my best friends.  I still trust him more than most people in my life.  But I can do that without being his fake wife.  I can do that while living somewhere else and just being friends with him from afar, like I am with all my other friends.  Because this is really a mess.  I miss him, and love him, and resent him, and hate him, and don't know why I'm doing this to myself.

I don't know what I'm doing, other than setting myself up for heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak. All from the same man, who's already done it on numerous occasions.

I don't even know what to say

So.  We're here in Ontario, and last night we went out drinking with some of his friends from high school.

On the walk home, we got into a huge drunk fight (that he started, and that's not me being petulant). Here's the rundown:

He asked me to be honest about my feelings because he caught me crying a bit the other day when I thought I was alone, and I told him we didn't need to talk about it, and he said yes we did, so I told him the honest truth about my feelings - that I still love him, that I know he doesn't love me, and that hurts and blah blah blah. He got upset and said that he wished I wouldn't be in love with him anymore, because all his family and friends keep pulling him aside and telling him its so obvious that I am and I told him that it's not like I can control it, and he accused me of being evasive for some reason that I still don't understand, and I told him i was just answering his question - he told me to be honest, and I was.

I told him that I just wanted to stay friends with him, and what other people are doing is not my fault, and I was sorry that I still felt this way, that I'm trying not to, but in the meantime, I just ignore it. That I'm running away to Korea to get away from it and he wouldn't have to deal with me at all then anymore. He doesn't need to see me crying, I only did it because I thought he wouldn't see. blah blah blah. In his traditionally pig-headed drunken way he continued to find this some weird affront to himself and he said I was evasive (again), being a bitch, that he regretted ever dating me, that I had always treated him like shit and he doesn't forgive me for that, blah blah blah.

So I told him that I was well aware of my short comings, that I know how much I hurt him, that it's the biggest regret of my life and I know I can never be forgiven for it, but that it doesn't matter if HE ever forgives me for it or not (which he's told me before that he did, so he's lying one way or the other) because I will never forgive myself for it, and that he was and had always been mean and neglectful and had been an awful boyfriend.

And then we went inside and had some leftover sausages and then he apologized and then we went to sleep and this morning he apologized for saying things to hurt me, and that he didn't mean that he regrets dating me or that he doesn't forgive me and he's sorry he said things to hurt me. And I apologized for saying he had been an awful boyfriend, (because he hadn't been awful, there were lots of things he did that were amazing).

So, blah. Things are alright now, I guess. Ish.

I just hate when stuff like that happens, because it drives home even more that there is no real hope of us getting back together. And I feel like he gets confused about how he's feeling, and then pushes us to a fight so that he can say to himself "oh yeah, this is the problem, she's a crazy person with too many emotions who blows everything out of proportion."

I miss him a lot. I hate that I do. I want to be over him, and I really wish I was. Because then we could just be friends without all of this drama. Becuase it's going to make it impossible for us to stay friends.

So. Yeah. That's been the only real blow-up this month, though. Although it was a pretty bad one.  And I know he's telling his friends about it and they're all going to think I'm some crazy bitch or something.  It's devastating to deal with this stuff.  I just want to get on with my life at this point.

Sigh.

<3
Wooden Bird

Well. Don't I Feel Stupid.

My ex got home from his date this morning. He's seeing this girl and I guess its getting serious, so that's great.

Anyway on the walk to campus, I asked him what the hell what he said on sunday night to me was supposed to mean.

And he was like "well, I don't know, I was drunk and sentimental. I'm sorry I said it, I shouldn't have. It doesn't mean I'm IN love with you or want to get back together with you," yadda yadda yadda.

It was basically like being broken up with all over again, so that sucked. I spent most of the walk bawling my eyes out and asking him what the hell is wrong with me that he cares about me and gets along with me but doesn't want to be with me.

Happy birthday to me?

I'm not looking forward to 24.

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Wooden Bird 

Things I Learned in Montreal

Boys who are ex-boyfriends and also your roommate and traveling with you and sometimes someone who have sex with will get drunk and tell you they love you, and that they're sorry. And then nothing will change and you will have no idea what that means or where you stand anymore and it will be confusing and sad, and you'll go home and bawl your eyes out in the shower because what. the fuck? I don't understand why he doesn't want to be with me if he loves me. I just don't get it. Maybe he'll figure out what the hell he wants by the time I get back from Korea. In the meantime, I am left more confused than anything.
<3
Wooden Bird

One step forward, two strides back

Still left wondering what the hell happened to my life.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. What I even want to do. If I want to do anything.
I miss him. I keep missing him and it just gets worse, not better.
I feel like no matter how many pieces I accumulate, this puzzle is still a mess. I can't sort it out and I just feel like I'm facing something largely futile.
I think going to Korea will be good for me, but what does "good for me" mean? I feel like I'll spend a lot of my time not working crying (not that that is any different from now.) I'll just be unable to knock on his door in the middle of the night and ask if I can sleep in his bed.
I feel like such a child. I do things like that. I'll be feeling miserable and lonely, and instead of dealing with it, powering through it, I just cry for a bit and then break down and ask him to hold me. And he still does. Is it any surprise I can't stop loving this man?

We had a weird discussion on Monday.

We were having a pint at the pub where he first told me he was falling in love with me, two years ago. He doesn't remember that, so I don't think he realizes the irony of us being there. It brings back memories for me, and so it's hard to be there.

He told me one of the reasons he can't see us being together is we communicate with each other poorly - not that we don't try, but that we communicate so radically different that it's just too frustrating. The conversation hadn't started there and it caught me off guard, so I just spent a couple of minutes trying not to cry, because the pub was nearly empty and it would have been really obivous to the few other patrons and the staff.

He was surprised and asked me if it was still that raw, and I said "well, yeah, I'm still in love with you." He kind of sighed and said sorry.

Later on, as we were walking home, I apologized for taking things so literally, and I likened it to when he left me. He was surprised that I hadn't seen it coming, and I asked him why it was so surprising... He had told me up to that same day, he was still saying "I love you" which to me meant we were still together and still working on things.

Then he said, "Well, I did, I do love you."

And I said, "You said you didn't!"

"Well, I do. I care about you. Just not enough to keep putting myself through that." ("That" being the constant fighting and my emotional instability).

What is that? What the hell does that mean? Does he still have feelings for me and is just so sure that we could never work long term that he just won't try again? I don't know where to go with a statement like that.

What would you do? What do you think is happening here? Gods know I can't figure it out.

<3
Wooden Bird

Sometimes, I Feel Like a Crazy Person

I seriously do not know what to do about my brain or my heart sometimes.

I need to get over this whole situation. If I don't, I'm going to lose my best friend. I can't keep going on like this, because it will damage what is left of our relationship - the friendship part. He's not going to want to be around me at all if I keep going on like this.

It's hard not to, yes. But I have to suck it up and move on. I still don't think I'll stop loving him, maybe ever, but I have to move on. I can't wait for him, because he might never come back. I just have to want him to be happy, and to want to be happy myself. I have to make myself happy.

I still feel like crying, but I'm going to ruin this if I don't suck it up and put on my big girl pants. He deserves to be happy, and right now I cannot do that for him. Maybe I won't ever be able to do that for him. I have to accept that.

I'm really sad, but this is for the better. It's time I accept that it's over, and try to move on with my life. I've lost him. I have to accept that, recognize that I hurt him, and accept the consequences. Those consequences being that I am no longer someone he loves romantically.

Welcome to the real world, I guess?

<3
Wooden Bird

Why Being a Grown Up Is Lame

When you're my age (23) people sort of expect you to act like a grown up. This means not throwing tantrums, getting an education or a job, maintaining stable and healthy relationships with other people, paying bills on time, building credit, and all sorts of other things that tell the world you are no longer a child.

However, this sucks. Especially the tantrums and relationships part. If I could throw a tantrum about the state of my relationships right now, I would.

I'm tired of being alone, and I miss my ex. We're roommates and trying to stay friends and still spend half our time together. Many of my friends, and his friends, think this is a terrible idea and that we're crazy. My friends think I won't get over him because of this. They think that getting over him is the only way for me to move on with my life.

Well. You know... maybe getting over him would be the grown up thing to do. And maybe saying "I don't wanna" is childish and silly and I should act my age. But...

I don't wanna.

I can move on with my life, and get a job and a house and even have relationships and have a successful and pleasant life even if I don't get over him, and I'm really tired of my friends giving me that "you're just hurting yourself more" look.

I loved this man freely for nearly two years. Maybe that's not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but it was such a complete and embedded part of who I was, that it helped shape the person I am now. And I still love him, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I care about him so much, he remains one of my best and closest friends. If he didn't care at all about me, he wouldn't be trying to maintain our friendship as well, so you know... fuck being a grown up. I don't want to be a grown up if the rational thought that accompanies it means giving up on an incredible friendship just because we used to have sex and then he broke my heart.

Yeah, it's weird when he brings a girl home, because I get jealous and wish he still wanted me, and he's totally okay with it when *I* bring a girl home, because he's not the one still hung up on our relationship, but you know what. I can deal with weird. I can deal with some emotional hardship if the big picture means I don't lose my best friend, one of the most caring and intelligent and funny people I have ever known.

I'm dating again. I've been out with a couple girls, and I don't know. Maybe I'll move in on a guy friend who is recently out of a shitty relationship, as well. Who knows. The point is, I'm moving on with my life, but I'm doing it without getting over him.

Why? Why am I so adamant about holding on to him this way? Because I want to want him still, if he ever turns to me and says "I needed this time apart, but I miss you, and I do love you, and I want to try to make this work again." In case he ever needs me and wants me again, I want to be here for him, I want to take him back and still love him with all my heart.

I don't think letting part of myself wait for him will cripple my life or my happiness. I watched my mother's miserable marriages fall apart one after the other, and I'm not going to let myself be as miserable and disappointed as she was. I'm not going to give up completely on the one truest love I've ever experienced. I think keeping ahold of it might be the most positive thing I could do, because as long as I hold on to it, it suggests that I still believe in the impossible.

I know very well that he'll probably never turn around and ask me to come back into his life in the capacity of lover and partner, but there's always a chance. I am not a psychic, I can't see the future.

I have hope, and yeah, hope isn't cynical enough to be a grown up experience these days; at least it seems that way. And so, being grown up is lame, and I refuse. I will hold on to my childish hope and live in an ignorant haze all my life, believing I could be truly and completely happy, someday.

<3
Wooden Bird