We were drunk on Thursday night, and he asked me to come to bed with him. I had spent the previous two or three nights convincing myself not to ask him if I could stay in his room - and succeeding! Which is good, there have been more than a few times where I did ask, so I felt really strong (miserable, but strong) that I didn't. But on Thursday, he asked, and of course I said yes. Does he really think I'll ever say no to him? I'll never mean it, even if I manage eventually to say it.
So we went to bed and we had sex. It was different than it's been up to this point though. He was gentler, took more time... I don't know. It felt more affectionate and less dissonant. The pattern since we broke up was that we would have sex and it would be immediate and rough and little-to-no foreplay, and he would be out of bed immediately afterwards. This time it wasn't like that. So I don't know what that means, or if it means anything. Maybe it just happened and there's not underlying meaning, but I can't really buy that. I'm a firm believer that our actions belie our underlying psyche, especially when we're drunk.
And then... the next nigh (last night) I went out with some friends, and I hooked up with my friend's friend. This would be the first guy I've slept with other than my ex since the breakup. (There was one guy during the relationship, during an orgy we had). So... I don't know. It's kind of weird.
It wasn't bad - we were both pretty drunk, but we had sex again this morning before I went home. It was different, obviously, made all the more obvious by the fact that I had slept with my ex the night before. So there's te obvious comparisons (the hookup was bigger). He wasn't bad, but I didn't orgasm. I have never been with a guy where I didn't orgasm during sex. I'm trying to think of one time that ever happened, and besides the time I lost my virginity, I honestly don't think I have ever not orgasmed during sex with a guy. So... I don't know, that's unfortunate. Maybe it was a combination of being too drunk the night before, and too dehydrated in the morning...
I missed the familiarity. I know all the things that get my ex going during sex. I know exactly where to lick or touch or what to say to drive him nuts... Hookup Guy was... unknown. And quiet, so I couldn't even tell if anything I was doing was turning him on or not or what.
So. I don't know. That was a weird experience, sort of. He's a cute guy, seems nice enough. The goodbyes were a little awkward. I gave him my number and he sort of stood about 3 feet away as I left. So... kind of awkward, yeah.
Now I just feel sad. I miss my ex. I miss being in a relationship with him. There's still so many times I just want to reach out and hold his hand, and I can't. We'll be sitting together watching tv or something, and I'll just want to rest my head on his shoulder and hold his arm and smell him and know that good things await us. And.... it's not possible. And I sit there trying not to cry when that happens, and trying to focus on whatever we're watching, and not on how close he is and still untouchable.
Korea will be good for me, if only because it will force distance.
----
*I say slutty week in the title because I also had sex this week with one of the girls I've been seeing. So. 3 people in one week. It's a bit much, especially for me.
So we went to bed and we had sex. It was different than it's been up to this point though. He was gentler, took more time... I don't know. It felt more affectionate and less dissonant. The pattern since we broke up was that we would have sex and it would be immediate and rough and little-to-no foreplay, and he would be out of bed immediately afterwards. This time it wasn't like that. So I don't know what that means, or if it means anything. Maybe it just happened and there's not underlying meaning, but I can't really buy that. I'm a firm believer that our actions belie our underlying psyche, especially when we're drunk.
And then... the next nigh (last night) I went out with some friends, and I hooked up with my friend's friend. This would be the first guy I've slept with other than my ex since the breakup. (There was one guy during the relationship, during an orgy we had). So... I don't know. It's kind of weird.
It wasn't bad - we were both pretty drunk, but we had sex again this morning before I went home. It was different, obviously, made all the more obvious by the fact that I had slept with my ex the night before. So there's te obvious comparisons (the hookup was bigger). He wasn't bad, but I didn't orgasm. I have never been with a guy where I didn't orgasm during sex. I'm trying to think of one time that ever happened, and besides the time I lost my virginity, I honestly don't think I have ever not orgasmed during sex with a guy. So... I don't know, that's unfortunate. Maybe it was a combination of being too drunk the night before, and too dehydrated in the morning...
I missed the familiarity. I know all the things that get my ex going during sex. I know exactly where to lick or touch or what to say to drive him nuts... Hookup Guy was... unknown. And quiet, so I couldn't even tell if anything I was doing was turning him on or not or what.
So. I don't know. That was a weird experience, sort of. He's a cute guy, seems nice enough. The goodbyes were a little awkward. I gave him my number and he sort of stood about 3 feet away as I left. So... kind of awkward, yeah.
Now I just feel sad. I miss my ex. I miss being in a relationship with him. There's still so many times I just want to reach out and hold his hand, and I can't. We'll be sitting together watching tv or something, and I'll just want to rest my head on his shoulder and hold his arm and smell him and know that good things await us. And.... it's not possible. And I sit there trying not to cry when that happens, and trying to focus on whatever we're watching, and not on how close he is and still untouchable.
Korea will be good for me, if only because it will force distance.
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*I say slutty week in the title because I also had sex this week with one of the girls I've been seeing. So. 3 people in one week. It's a bit much, especially for me.
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