Nearly all of my friends believe that I should embrace being single. I haven't been single since I was 18, and this is somehow unhealthy and being a serial monogamisht is apparently a crutch.
But I hate being alone. I have always been happiest when I've had someone to rely on and love and feel loved by. That's a lie. I used to be that way. My ex, my love, is the only man I've ever been with who managed to make me feel miserable for loving him.
I finally broke and said to my best childhood friend that I was sick of being alone. She said she had been waiting for that; she said she knows I'm not the kind of person who enjoys being single, and that I should just ignore everyone else and do what makes me happy.
The weird thing is, I've always had such an easy time jumping straight into another relationship - I've never been single for longer than a month or two since my first year of university. I think I've lost my game.
But in any case. I hate it. I just want somebody to want me. My friend, who I like and am attracted to (very much) and recently had his heart broken, too; I've more or less propositioned him twice now - last night he even crashed in my bed and we drunkenly passed out half-naked but doing nothing but holding each other...
he's the only person to ever reject me or say they didn't want to at least have sex with me. So that's... I don't know. Probably it shows that he is a bigger person than I am. In the meantime, I just feel like I want someone to want me. To really want me, to see me and be in love with me.
And maybe that's not fair, because they won't get all of me, I probably won't be in love with them, at least not deeply, but damn it, I am sick of feeling unloved and alone and unwanted. I just want to be with someone again. I didn't get a rebound relationship after this breakup, and maybe I really need one. Or maybe I just need something honest and gentle and special, even if it's not as powerful as what I thought I had with my ex was, what's left in my heart for him.
Maybe I just want something benign and safe and good and stable and warm that I can come to bed to find waiting for me.
Maybe I should stop listening to my Catharthis playlist.
But I hate being alone. I have always been happiest when I've had someone to rely on and love and feel loved by. That's a lie. I used to be that way. My ex, my love, is the only man I've ever been with who managed to make me feel miserable for loving him.
I finally broke and said to my best childhood friend that I was sick of being alone. She said she had been waiting for that; she said she knows I'm not the kind of person who enjoys being single, and that I should just ignore everyone else and do what makes me happy.
The weird thing is, I've always had such an easy time jumping straight into another relationship - I've never been single for longer than a month or two since my first year of university. I think I've lost my game.
But in any case. I hate it. I just want somebody to want me. My friend, who I like and am attracted to (very much) and recently had his heart broken, too; I've more or less propositioned him twice now - last night he even crashed in my bed and we drunkenly passed out half-naked but doing nothing but holding each other...
he's the only person to ever reject me or say they didn't want to at least have sex with me. So that's... I don't know. Probably it shows that he is a bigger person than I am. In the meantime, I just feel like I want someone to want me. To really want me, to see me and be in love with me.
And maybe that's not fair, because they won't get all of me, I probably won't be in love with them, at least not deeply, but damn it, I am sick of feeling unloved and alone and unwanted. I just want to be with someone again. I didn't get a rebound relationship after this breakup, and maybe I really need one. Or maybe I just need something honest and gentle and special, even if it's not as powerful as what I thought I had with my ex was, what's left in my heart for him.
Maybe I just want something benign and safe and good and stable and warm that I can come to bed to find waiting for me.
Maybe I should stop listening to my Catharthis playlist.
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