I believe less and less that he will actually turn around and want to be with me again. But I still hope as hard as ever that it will happen. That I will get that 1 in a million chance that will turn him around. I really miss him. I keep hoping one of his friends will finally talk sense into him (fat chance, I am sure they are all telling him he's better off without me) or that he'll see me interacting with his family, and it will show him how good I would be in his life.
He told me a couple months ago, when I first mentioned to him that I was thinking of moving out, that he would really miss me, and that I was the only friend he really had to spend time with these days. But that's not so much the case these days. He has lots of girls vying to fill up his dance card and every time I turn around he's out fucking some new girl or another. And then me. Because I cannot ever bring myself to say no to that man. Because even though I know it will never work, I have this stupid shred of hope that says to me, maybe this time, it will remind him how good we were together. But in any case, if I moved out now, I don't think he'd care much. He'd probably prefer it, honestly. He's got lots of new friends who will have sex with him whenever he wants or is bored or lonely.
Anyway. I'm looking again at sublets. I can't afford much more than what I am paying now, so it's still unlikely that I'll be able to move out. And I don't really want to, but at the same time, I want to stop torturing myself. It's such a mess. I miss him so much. Which I ma have already said in this post, but it's hard to tell because I can't see the screen very well through my tears. How's that for emo? Ugh. I've turned into such a freak since he dumped me.
Korea's going to be very good for me. I need to get away. Far, far away. And I know that before I go, I'm going to tell him that I love him. And that all he'll ever have to do is ask. But, I'll be leaving, and he will have time away from me to think about what he's actually lost. He hasn't lost anything in this. If I want him back, if I want to believe that he'll love me again, I know it won't like this. He hasn't lost me. He lives with me. Whenever he's horny, I'll have sex with him. We cook together, we eat together, we work together, we spend whatever free time he's not fucking other girls together. He has not only gotten his cake, but he gets to eat it, too. I am the only person who's lost anything in this arrangement. And that's not fair to me. It's harmful to me.
Yes, he is my friend, and one of my best friends. I still trust him more than most people in my life. But I can do that without being his fake wife. I can do that while living somewhere else and just being friends with him from afar, like I am with all my other friends. Because this is really a mess. I miss him, and love him, and resent him, and hate him, and don't know why I'm doing this to myself.
I don't know what I'm doing, other than setting myself up for heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak. All from the same man, who's already done it on numerous occasions.
He told me a couple months ago, when I first mentioned to him that I was thinking of moving out, that he would really miss me, and that I was the only friend he really had to spend time with these days. But that's not so much the case these days. He has lots of girls vying to fill up his dance card and every time I turn around he's out fucking some new girl or another. And then me. Because I cannot ever bring myself to say no to that man. Because even though I know it will never work, I have this stupid shred of hope that says to me, maybe this time, it will remind him how good we were together. But in any case, if I moved out now, I don't think he'd care much. He'd probably prefer it, honestly. He's got lots of new friends who will have sex with him whenever he wants or is bored or lonely.
Anyway. I'm looking again at sublets. I can't afford much more than what I am paying now, so it's still unlikely that I'll be able to move out. And I don't really want to, but at the same time, I want to stop torturing myself. It's such a mess. I miss him so much. Which I ma have already said in this post, but it's hard to tell because I can't see the screen very well through my tears. How's that for emo? Ugh. I've turned into such a freak since he dumped me.
Korea's going to be very good for me. I need to get away. Far, far away. And I know that before I go, I'm going to tell him that I love him. And that all he'll ever have to do is ask. But, I'll be leaving, and he will have time away from me to think about what he's actually lost. He hasn't lost anything in this. If I want him back, if I want to believe that he'll love me again, I know it won't like this. He hasn't lost me. He lives with me. Whenever he's horny, I'll have sex with him. We cook together, we eat together, we work together, we spend whatever free time he's not fucking other girls together. He has not only gotten his cake, but he gets to eat it, too. I am the only person who's lost anything in this arrangement. And that's not fair to me. It's harmful to me.
Yes, he is my friend, and one of my best friends. I still trust him more than most people in my life. But I can do that without being his fake wife. I can do that while living somewhere else and just being friends with him from afar, like I am with all my other friends. Because this is really a mess. I miss him, and love him, and resent him, and hate him, and don't know why I'm doing this to myself.
I don't know what I'm doing, other than setting myself up for heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak. All from the same man, who's already done it on numerous occasions.
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