Sometimes, I Feel Like a Crazy Person

I seriously do not know what to do about my brain or my heart sometimes.

I need to get over this whole situation. If I don't, I'm going to lose my best friend. I can't keep going on like this, because it will damage what is left of our relationship - the friendship part. He's not going to want to be around me at all if I keep going on like this.

It's hard not to, yes. But I have to suck it up and move on. I still don't think I'll stop loving him, maybe ever, but I have to move on. I can't wait for him, because he might never come back. I just have to want him to be happy, and to want to be happy myself. I have to make myself happy.

I still feel like crying, but I'm going to ruin this if I don't suck it up and put on my big girl pants. He deserves to be happy, and right now I cannot do that for him. Maybe I won't ever be able to do that for him. I have to accept that.

I'm really sad, but this is for the better. It's time I accept that it's over, and try to move on with my life. I've lost him. I have to accept that, recognize that I hurt him, and accept the consequences. Those consequences being that I am no longer someone he loves romantically.

Welcome to the real world, I guess?

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Wooden Bird

It Doesn't Stop Hurting, I Am Learning

I live with my ex.

This can be really hard. He's dating (I've tried; I'm not good at it, and I'm really not that interested in anybody else, even still) and that can be really heartbreaking when he brings a girl home.

I still love him as much as I ever did, and it still feels as fresh and raw a wound as the first day he told me he didn't love me anymore.

In September, I thought things were getting better. I barely cried, and everything seemed to be moving forward well.

But this last month has been awful. Everything is fine on the surface. We're getting along great, we spend lots of time together. But as soon as I'm alone, I'm crying, and sometimes having panic attacks. I pray constantly that he might want me again. It's all I hope for and wish for right now.

It's affecting my school, because I can't concentrate when I'm bawling. I feel overwhelmed by everything, and so lonely. I feel like I've lost the most important thing in the world, and I'm only holding on by a thread of hope. I barely have that left. I don't know what I will do if I lose that hope.

He's with these girls, and some of them are prettier and smarter than me, and I just know that he's going to fall for one of them and I'll lose him for good. I can't even imagine what that will feel like. My heart breaks constantly these days.

He has a date over right now, and he didn't warn me that he'd be brining her over, so I was really flustered and caught off guard - all he had to do was send me a text just so I could prepare myself mentally. I made supper for the three of us. How fucked up is that? I made supper for the love of my life and his date, and ate with them, and talked with them. She's really nice. Really pretty. Prettier than me. She has a job and her life together. I'm just some stupid little girl who can't move on.

I mean, I see someone like her and it makes so much sense. She's got her shit together. She's independant and beautiful; she doesn't need him, and so he wants her.

And I'm on the sidelines, watching (or in this case listening, because these walls are not thick enough) him get all smitten over someone who isn't me, and knowing I've never been and never will be good enough for him, no matter how much I love him.

I just want my life back. I want him to love me again, I want to be able to plan a future with him again. I want hope back. I want my best friend back and everything that went with it. This hurts more and more - it doesn't stop, it doesn't get easier. It's just the opposite. For the life of me, I never imagined anything could hurt like this. I don't know how to stop it from hurting like this, and I don't know how to move on.

I am so sad. I am so lonely. And I miss him so much.

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Wooden Bird

A Sweater (But More Than Just That)

I've begun knitting a sweater for my ex for Christmas. If I finish it by his birthday, it will be his birthday present, but I doubt I'll get it done in time.

The blue is so much nicer in real life.

He's really excited; he helped pick the colours, and he picked the pattern. He can't wait for it to be finished and I know he'll appreciate it and that's why I'm knitting it for him.

Or at least, that's part of why I am knitting it for him. Part of me is treating the whole thing like a giant spell worked from knot magic. Which, to me, makes sense since knitting is basically just knotting together yarn. Sort of. Crochet is more like knots, but in any case. Each stitch is a singular thing that is part of the whole.

Anyway. I feel like if I imbue this sweater with enough of myself, each stitch a wish for our future, for getting back together. Each stitch composed not just of yarn, but of love and hope and how much I miss him...

We got pretty drunk last night, and I asked him, if he would consider getting back together, especially since I've changed a lot since we broke up, and things just seem to be going so well with us now. We never fight, we get along great as friends, we enjoy each other's company, we both still find each other attractive.... but he said No. He said he would have to fall madly in love with me again, just to consider it. Because of how hurt he was by the situation leading up to our breakup. Because of how much I hurt him.

So... maybe, just maybe, I can show him. With this sweater, with patience, with hope and quiet background love, and showing him how I've changed, and that I am someone he could be with. Maybe he'll fall in love with me again. Maybe he'll remember his old feelings, or new feelings for me will be born. I don't know. I just hope that this sweater might sway him. That when he wears it, he'll think of me, and how much I care about him, and maybe he'll consider giving me another chance.

Instead of the flat out No I got last night. Suffice it to say, I cried. I miss him terribly, and have never regretted anything as much as I regret my actions leading up to his breaking up with me. I really do hope things work out. I've never wanted anything this badly. I've never loved anyone this much.

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Wooden Bird

Dating. It's kind of lame.

When we started hanging out, he was just so confident and I felt so able to just be me. I felt totally at ease with him as soon as I met him. I just knew that everything was right. I always felt that way with him. He still makes me feel that way when we hang out, he just has that way.

It really just makes me miss him even more than usual. I think this is why I've stuck to seeing girls. I can't compare them to him because it's just different to begin with.

I don't know. This whole dating thing is kind of lame. I just want my life back, where everything was going right and I had a future with my best friend.

I still wake up sometimes and forget. And then I remember and hope for a second that it was just a bad dream...

But it never is.

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Wooden Bird