Slowly but Surely (and Painfully)

I believe less and less that he will actually turn around and want to be with me again.  But I still hope as hard as ever that it will happen.  That I will get that 1 in a million chance that will turn him around.  I really miss him.  I keep hoping one of his friends will finally talk sense into him (fat chance, I am sure they are all telling him he's better off without me) or that he'll see me interacting with his family, and it will show him how good I would be in his life.

He told me a couple months ago, when I first mentioned to him that I was thinking of moving out, that he would really miss me, and that I was the only friend he really had to spend time with these days.  But that's not so much the case these days.  He has lots of girls vying to fill up his dance card and every time I turn around he's out fucking some new girl or another.  And then me.  Because I cannot ever bring myself to say no to that man.  Because even though I know it will never work, I have this stupid shred of hope that says to me, maybe this time, it will remind him how good we were together.  But in any case, if I moved out now, I don't think he'd care much.  He'd probably prefer it, honestly.  He's got lots of new friends who will have sex with him whenever he wants or is bored or lonely.

Anyway.  I'm looking again at sublets.  I can't afford much more than what I am paying now, so it's still unlikely that I'll be able to move out.  And I don't really want to, but at the same time, I want to stop torturing myself.  It's such a mess.  I miss him so much.  Which I ma have already said in this post, but it's hard to tell because I can't see the screen very well through my tears.  How's that for emo?  Ugh.  I've turned into such a freak since he dumped me.

Korea's going to be very good for me.  I need to get away.  Far, far away.  And I know that before I go, I'm going to tell him that I love him.  And that all he'll ever have to do is ask.  But, I'll be leaving, and he will have time away from me to think about what he's actually lost.  He hasn't lost anything in this.  If I want him back, if I want to believe that he'll love me again, I know it won't like this.  He hasn't lost me.  He lives with me.  Whenever he's horny, I'll have sex with him.  We cook together, we eat together, we work together, we spend whatever free time he's not fucking other girls together.  He has not only gotten his cake, but he gets to eat it, too.  I am the only person who's lost anything in this arrangement.  And that's not fair to me.  It's harmful to me.

Yes, he is my friend, and one of my best friends.  I still trust him more than most people in my life.  But I can do that without being his fake wife.  I can do that while living somewhere else and just being friends with him from afar, like I am with all my other friends.  Because this is really a mess.  I miss him, and love him, and resent him, and hate him, and don't know why I'm doing this to myself.

I don't know what I'm doing, other than setting myself up for heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak. All from the same man, who's already done it on numerous occasions.

I don't even know what to say

So.  We're here in Ontario, and last night we went out drinking with some of his friends from high school.

On the walk home, we got into a huge drunk fight (that he started, and that's not me being petulant). Here's the rundown:

He asked me to be honest about my feelings because he caught me crying a bit the other day when I thought I was alone, and I told him we didn't need to talk about it, and he said yes we did, so I told him the honest truth about my feelings - that I still love him, that I know he doesn't love me, and that hurts and blah blah blah. He got upset and said that he wished I wouldn't be in love with him anymore, because all his family and friends keep pulling him aside and telling him its so obvious that I am and I told him that it's not like I can control it, and he accused me of being evasive for some reason that I still don't understand, and I told him i was just answering his question - he told me to be honest, and I was.

I told him that I just wanted to stay friends with him, and what other people are doing is not my fault, and I was sorry that I still felt this way, that I'm trying not to, but in the meantime, I just ignore it. That I'm running away to Korea to get away from it and he wouldn't have to deal with me at all then anymore. He doesn't need to see me crying, I only did it because I thought he wouldn't see. blah blah blah. In his traditionally pig-headed drunken way he continued to find this some weird affront to himself and he said I was evasive (again), being a bitch, that he regretted ever dating me, that I had always treated him like shit and he doesn't forgive me for that, blah blah blah.

So I told him that I was well aware of my short comings, that I know how much I hurt him, that it's the biggest regret of my life and I know I can never be forgiven for it, but that it doesn't matter if HE ever forgives me for it or not (which he's told me before that he did, so he's lying one way or the other) because I will never forgive myself for it, and that he was and had always been mean and neglectful and had been an awful boyfriend.

And then we went inside and had some leftover sausages and then he apologized and then we went to sleep and this morning he apologized for saying things to hurt me, and that he didn't mean that he regrets dating me or that he doesn't forgive me and he's sorry he said things to hurt me. And I apologized for saying he had been an awful boyfriend, (because he hadn't been awful, there were lots of things he did that were amazing).

So, blah. Things are alright now, I guess. Ish.

I just hate when stuff like that happens, because it drives home even more that there is no real hope of us getting back together. And I feel like he gets confused about how he's feeling, and then pushes us to a fight so that he can say to himself "oh yeah, this is the problem, she's a crazy person with too many emotions who blows everything out of proportion."

I miss him a lot. I hate that I do. I want to be over him, and I really wish I was. Because then we could just be friends without all of this drama. Becuase it's going to make it impossible for us to stay friends.

So. Yeah. That's been the only real blow-up this month, though. Although it was a pretty bad one.  And I know he's telling his friends about it and they're all going to think I'm some crazy bitch or something.  It's devastating to deal with this stuff.  I just want to get on with my life at this point.

Sigh.

<3
Wooden Bird

A Masochistic Christmas

I'm spending December in Ontario with my ex and his family.  This was decided because I'm estranged from my family and so obviously don't spend the holidays with them.

So far it's been... confusing.  His family is awesome; they are all good and caring people.  Nothing less than warmly welcoming.  But, it's painful in ways.  His sister-in-law told me they were all heartbroken to hear about the breakup, and she hoped her husband (his brother) could talk some sense into him. I cried at that, so that was nice and embarassing, but she is one of the sweetest people in existence, and was super kind to me.

It's hard to see all these happy families and couples - especially his brother and sister-in-law.  Those two have an amazing relationship and love each other to pieces.  It makes me miss him all the more.

I don't know.  It's weird. I go back and forth between thinking this was a bad idea and not. So, yeah.

Blah.

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Wooden Bird

I do want to move on, Maybe

I think I do want to move on.  I'm tired of feeling jealous every time some new woman falls into his lap (literally). I'm tired of getting so irrationally angry at his lack of feelings for me that I snap and say hurtful things to him.

I want to love him, I want him to love me, but I don't want to feel this way anymore.  Sadder than I've ever been one moment, and then angry and jealous the next.  It's crippling.

I want to move on, and I kind of think getting involved with someone else would be one way to do that.  But I have yet to meet anybody who I'm interested in beyond random makeouts.  Well, no, that's a lie. There are two people who I would consider pursuing something with: the one doesn't want to upset his friendship with my ex and is in a weird limbo with the girl he's currently in love with; and the other just isn't going to happen for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that she lives on the other side of the country.

But other than those two exceptions, I'm just all... "blahhhh" about people.  I've been seeing this super sweet girl, and she's really pretty and fun to be around and I do really like her, but I don't see that going anywhere serious.  I don't feel anything like I felt with my ex so immediately.  There's guy I've seen once and chatted with a bunch, and it's the same story.  Cute, fun to talk to... but none of that gut feeling.  Random makeouts with an acquaintance the other day went nowhere, because a) awful kisser, and b) I was bored being with someone I care nothing about.  Although, I will admit that I probably would have been less bored if he hadn't been such an awful kisser.

So, I don't know what to do with myself.  I guess I should just get happier being alone with superficial "romantic" encounters?  It feels so empty, knowing now what it's like to be with someone you love so deeply.  I just don't know what to do about that.  I feel like this would be a lot easier of a transition if I had no clue what it was like to be with someone you love so much.

I also feel like a total tool because I'm sure I sound like Bella, and it makes even me gag.

Blahhhh.

<3
Wooden Bird 

Empowerment

I know I'm supposed to eventually move on from this breakup and live my life. I know I'm supposed to be an empowered woman who can do her own thing, who doesn't need anybody to make her happy...

Well, yeah. I can be happy without him. I can live my life without him. I can be successful, and do my own thing, and get on with everything without him. But it certainly won't be the same. I won't ever get over it, it seems. I love him as much now as I ever did. I miss him desperately every day. I can do my things, get my life moving, but I'm always missing him.

I'm not saying he completes me, or that I'm nothing without him, or that I'm less than whole. I know I'm a strong woman, whole and complete in my own right. But it was really nice to have my best friend by my side, to love me and support and take care of me. It was really nice to have somebody to love, who loved me back. It was more than just nice.

I feel like women feel like grieving over the loss of a man is something they shouldn't do, because it disempowers them. Well. It can, I agree. But it doesn't have to. I know I have a life ahead of me, with or without him. I know I can experience things and follow my dreams whether or not he's by my side.

But it doesn't change the fact that I always have this little sad part of me, and that it would all be so much better if he was there. An analogy I heard today was that it's like cake and icing. Icing's great, everybody wants icing. You can't JUST eat the icing. But if it comes down to starving or eating cake without icing, I'll the eat the cake. But I'll wish there was icing.

I never knew a heart could hurt this much. I never knew loving somebody could be so painful. I know I talk about it a lot, and whoever is reading this probably doesn't care. But it's a big part of my life right now, it's something I think about a lot, and it's something that affects me every day. I miss him so much. I miss being loved by him, and the security and the hope and the happiness that came with it.

I miss knowing I was going to grow old with my best friend. That I'd always have this amazing, special person by my side to experience everything with. I want that back. I want that back so bad that I sometimes don't know what to do with myelf.

I feel like I should eventually stop talking to my friends about this, because otherwise they're going to think I am not getting over this, they're going to get sick of listening to it. It makes me so sad to be without him, though. And I know I'll keep crying, for a long time. I know I'll be crying long after I stop talking about it. I know I'll be crying long after people will think I've moved on.

I don't see and end to this feeling in sight. I don't see it stopping. That makes me even sadder, but at the same time, I don't really want to stop loving him, and I feel like the only way it will stop hurting is when I stop loving. I can't do that. He means so much to me. I would do almost anything for him.

I love him. And it hurts. And it sucks. But I'll keep on living, because I can. Because I'm strong. Because I can't let this stop me. But I can let it hurt me, and it does.

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Wooden Bird 

 

dPain over DT (from XKCD)

Well. Don't I Feel Stupid.

My ex got home from his date this morning. He's seeing this girl and I guess its getting serious, so that's great.

Anyway on the walk to campus, I asked him what the hell what he said on sunday night to me was supposed to mean.

And he was like "well, I don't know, I was drunk and sentimental. I'm sorry I said it, I shouldn't have. It doesn't mean I'm IN love with you or want to get back together with you," yadda yadda yadda.

It was basically like being broken up with all over again, so that sucked. I spent most of the walk bawling my eyes out and asking him what the hell is wrong with me that he cares about me and gets along with me but doesn't want to be with me.

Happy birthday to me?

I'm not looking forward to 24.

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Wooden Bird 

Things I Learned in Montreal

Boys who are ex-boyfriends and also your roommate and traveling with you and sometimes someone who have sex with will get drunk and tell you they love you, and that they're sorry. And then nothing will change and you will have no idea what that means or where you stand anymore and it will be confusing and sad, and you'll go home and bawl your eyes out in the shower because what. the fuck? I don't understand why he doesn't want to be with me if he loves me. I just don't get it. Maybe he'll figure out what the hell he wants by the time I get back from Korea. In the meantime, I am left more confused than anything.
<3
Wooden Bird

One step forward, two strides back

Still left wondering what the hell happened to my life.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. What I even want to do. If I want to do anything.
I miss him. I keep missing him and it just gets worse, not better.
I feel like no matter how many pieces I accumulate, this puzzle is still a mess. I can't sort it out and I just feel like I'm facing something largely futile.
I think going to Korea will be good for me, but what does "good for me" mean? I feel like I'll spend a lot of my time not working crying (not that that is any different from now.) I'll just be unable to knock on his door in the middle of the night and ask if I can sleep in his bed.
I feel like such a child. I do things like that. I'll be feeling miserable and lonely, and instead of dealing with it, powering through it, I just cry for a bit and then break down and ask him to hold me. And he still does. Is it any surprise I can't stop loving this man?

We had a weird discussion on Monday.

We were having a pint at the pub where he first told me he was falling in love with me, two years ago. He doesn't remember that, so I don't think he realizes the irony of us being there. It brings back memories for me, and so it's hard to be there.

He told me one of the reasons he can't see us being together is we communicate with each other poorly - not that we don't try, but that we communicate so radically different that it's just too frustrating. The conversation hadn't started there and it caught me off guard, so I just spent a couple of minutes trying not to cry, because the pub was nearly empty and it would have been really obivous to the few other patrons and the staff.

He was surprised and asked me if it was still that raw, and I said "well, yeah, I'm still in love with you." He kind of sighed and said sorry.

Later on, as we were walking home, I apologized for taking things so literally, and I likened it to when he left me. He was surprised that I hadn't seen it coming, and I asked him why it was so surprising... He had told me up to that same day, he was still saying "I love you" which to me meant we were still together and still working on things.

Then he said, "Well, I did, I do love you."

And I said, "You said you didn't!"

"Well, I do. I care about you. Just not enough to keep putting myself through that." ("That" being the constant fighting and my emotional instability).

What is that? What the hell does that mean? Does he still have feelings for me and is just so sure that we could never work long term that he just won't try again? I don't know where to go with a statement like that.

What would you do? What do you think is happening here? Gods know I can't figure it out.

<3
Wooden Bird

Sometimes, I Feel Like a Crazy Person

I seriously do not know what to do about my brain or my heart sometimes.

I need to get over this whole situation. If I don't, I'm going to lose my best friend. I can't keep going on like this, because it will damage what is left of our relationship - the friendship part. He's not going to want to be around me at all if I keep going on like this.

It's hard not to, yes. But I have to suck it up and move on. I still don't think I'll stop loving him, maybe ever, but I have to move on. I can't wait for him, because he might never come back. I just have to want him to be happy, and to want to be happy myself. I have to make myself happy.

I still feel like crying, but I'm going to ruin this if I don't suck it up and put on my big girl pants. He deserves to be happy, and right now I cannot do that for him. Maybe I won't ever be able to do that for him. I have to accept that.

I'm really sad, but this is for the better. It's time I accept that it's over, and try to move on with my life. I've lost him. I have to accept that, recognize that I hurt him, and accept the consequences. Those consequences being that I am no longer someone he loves romantically.

Welcome to the real world, I guess?

<3
Wooden Bird

It Doesn't Stop Hurting, I Am Learning

I live with my ex.

This can be really hard. He's dating (I've tried; I'm not good at it, and I'm really not that interested in anybody else, even still) and that can be really heartbreaking when he brings a girl home.

I still love him as much as I ever did, and it still feels as fresh and raw a wound as the first day he told me he didn't love me anymore.

In September, I thought things were getting better. I barely cried, and everything seemed to be moving forward well.

But this last month has been awful. Everything is fine on the surface. We're getting along great, we spend lots of time together. But as soon as I'm alone, I'm crying, and sometimes having panic attacks. I pray constantly that he might want me again. It's all I hope for and wish for right now.

It's affecting my school, because I can't concentrate when I'm bawling. I feel overwhelmed by everything, and so lonely. I feel like I've lost the most important thing in the world, and I'm only holding on by a thread of hope. I barely have that left. I don't know what I will do if I lose that hope.

He's with these girls, and some of them are prettier and smarter than me, and I just know that he's going to fall for one of them and I'll lose him for good. I can't even imagine what that will feel like. My heart breaks constantly these days.

He has a date over right now, and he didn't warn me that he'd be brining her over, so I was really flustered and caught off guard - all he had to do was send me a text just so I could prepare myself mentally. I made supper for the three of us. How fucked up is that? I made supper for the love of my life and his date, and ate with them, and talked with them. She's really nice. Really pretty. Prettier than me. She has a job and her life together. I'm just some stupid little girl who can't move on.

I mean, I see someone like her and it makes so much sense. She's got her shit together. She's independant and beautiful; she doesn't need him, and so he wants her.

And I'm on the sidelines, watching (or in this case listening, because these walls are not thick enough) him get all smitten over someone who isn't me, and knowing I've never been and never will be good enough for him, no matter how much I love him.

I just want my life back. I want him to love me again, I want to be able to plan a future with him again. I want hope back. I want my best friend back and everything that went with it. This hurts more and more - it doesn't stop, it doesn't get easier. It's just the opposite. For the life of me, I never imagined anything could hurt like this. I don't know how to stop it from hurting like this, and I don't know how to move on.

I am so sad. I am so lonely. And I miss him so much.

</3
Wooden Bird

A Sweater (But More Than Just That)

I've begun knitting a sweater for my ex for Christmas. If I finish it by his birthday, it will be his birthday present, but I doubt I'll get it done in time.

The blue is so much nicer in real life.

He's really excited; he helped pick the colours, and he picked the pattern. He can't wait for it to be finished and I know he'll appreciate it and that's why I'm knitting it for him.

Or at least, that's part of why I am knitting it for him. Part of me is treating the whole thing like a giant spell worked from knot magic. Which, to me, makes sense since knitting is basically just knotting together yarn. Sort of. Crochet is more like knots, but in any case. Each stitch is a singular thing that is part of the whole.

Anyway. I feel like if I imbue this sweater with enough of myself, each stitch a wish for our future, for getting back together. Each stitch composed not just of yarn, but of love and hope and how much I miss him...

We got pretty drunk last night, and I asked him, if he would consider getting back together, especially since I've changed a lot since we broke up, and things just seem to be going so well with us now. We never fight, we get along great as friends, we enjoy each other's company, we both still find each other attractive.... but he said No. He said he would have to fall madly in love with me again, just to consider it. Because of how hurt he was by the situation leading up to our breakup. Because of how much I hurt him.

So... maybe, just maybe, I can show him. With this sweater, with patience, with hope and quiet background love, and showing him how I've changed, and that I am someone he could be with. Maybe he'll fall in love with me again. Maybe he'll remember his old feelings, or new feelings for me will be born. I don't know. I just hope that this sweater might sway him. That when he wears it, he'll think of me, and how much I care about him, and maybe he'll consider giving me another chance.

Instead of the flat out No I got last night. Suffice it to say, I cried. I miss him terribly, and have never regretted anything as much as I regret my actions leading up to his breaking up with me. I really do hope things work out. I've never wanted anything this badly. I've never loved anyone this much.

</3
Wooden Bird

Dating. It's kind of lame.

When we started hanging out, he was just so confident and I felt so able to just be me. I felt totally at ease with him as soon as I met him. I just knew that everything was right. I always felt that way with him. He still makes me feel that way when we hang out, he just has that way.

It really just makes me miss him even more than usual. I think this is why I've stuck to seeing girls. I can't compare them to him because it's just different to begin with.

I don't know. This whole dating thing is kind of lame. I just want my life back, where everything was going right and I had a future with my best friend.

I still wake up sometimes and forget. And then I remember and hope for a second that it was just a bad dream...

But it never is.

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Wooden Bird

Why Being a Grown Up Is Lame

When you're my age (23) people sort of expect you to act like a grown up. This means not throwing tantrums, getting an education or a job, maintaining stable and healthy relationships with other people, paying bills on time, building credit, and all sorts of other things that tell the world you are no longer a child.

However, this sucks. Especially the tantrums and relationships part. If I could throw a tantrum about the state of my relationships right now, I would.

I'm tired of being alone, and I miss my ex. We're roommates and trying to stay friends and still spend half our time together. Many of my friends, and his friends, think this is a terrible idea and that we're crazy. My friends think I won't get over him because of this. They think that getting over him is the only way for me to move on with my life.

Well. You know... maybe getting over him would be the grown up thing to do. And maybe saying "I don't wanna" is childish and silly and I should act my age. But...

I don't wanna.

I can move on with my life, and get a job and a house and even have relationships and have a successful and pleasant life even if I don't get over him, and I'm really tired of my friends giving me that "you're just hurting yourself more" look.

I loved this man freely for nearly two years. Maybe that's not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but it was such a complete and embedded part of who I was, that it helped shape the person I am now. And I still love him, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I care about him so much, he remains one of my best and closest friends. If he didn't care at all about me, he wouldn't be trying to maintain our friendship as well, so you know... fuck being a grown up. I don't want to be a grown up if the rational thought that accompanies it means giving up on an incredible friendship just because we used to have sex and then he broke my heart.

Yeah, it's weird when he brings a girl home, because I get jealous and wish he still wanted me, and he's totally okay with it when *I* bring a girl home, because he's not the one still hung up on our relationship, but you know what. I can deal with weird. I can deal with some emotional hardship if the big picture means I don't lose my best friend, one of the most caring and intelligent and funny people I have ever known.

I'm dating again. I've been out with a couple girls, and I don't know. Maybe I'll move in on a guy friend who is recently out of a shitty relationship, as well. Who knows. The point is, I'm moving on with my life, but I'm doing it without getting over him.

Why? Why am I so adamant about holding on to him this way? Because I want to want him still, if he ever turns to me and says "I needed this time apart, but I miss you, and I do love you, and I want to try to make this work again." In case he ever needs me and wants me again, I want to be here for him, I want to take him back and still love him with all my heart.

I don't think letting part of myself wait for him will cripple my life or my happiness. I watched my mother's miserable marriages fall apart one after the other, and I'm not going to let myself be as miserable and disappointed as she was. I'm not going to give up completely on the one truest love I've ever experienced. I think keeping ahold of it might be the most positive thing I could do, because as long as I hold on to it, it suggests that I still believe in the impossible.

I know very well that he'll probably never turn around and ask me to come back into his life in the capacity of lover and partner, but there's always a chance. I am not a psychic, I can't see the future.

I have hope, and yeah, hope isn't cynical enough to be a grown up experience these days; at least it seems that way. And so, being grown up is lame, and I refuse. I will hold on to my childish hope and live in an ignorant haze all my life, believing I could be truly and completely happy, someday.

<3
Wooden Bird

It's closing time.....

Moving Day will soon be upon us... 13 days and 14 hours according to my countdown programme.

It's been a pretty sad process. My Love is staying with a friend for now, so we can have some space before we move back in as just roommates/friends in September. I miss him a lot; it's hard not to cry when I think about what I've lost. He's been my best friend and my family for so long now, I still don't know what I'm going to do without him. I still hold out hope, as desperate and silly as that may be, that we'll eventually get back together.

We're almost completely packed up. The two of us spent yesterday and some of today working on that.

Two of my very good friends are getting married on Saturday. I'm excited for them. It's kind of bittersweet for me, right now, but I'm really excited for them. They're an amazing couple.

That's all for now, folks.

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Wooden Bird

I've been watching a lot of Dr. Who lately...

"Some things are worth getting your heart broken for." - Sarah Jane Smith (School Reunion, Doctor Who)

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

A week and a half ago, my boyfriend informed me that we were over.

It's been a hard week and a half.

Knitting has been difficult; I learned to knit so I could make him a scarf, and I think about that every time I pick up my needles. I've managed to distract myself with friends long enough to get a few things done, but it's been difficult.

We're trying to remain friends, because he still cares about me (just not like that) and I still love him (because I can't not) and we've already signed a lease with a friend, so we need to get along.

I miss him terribly. I miss us terribly. I've never felt a pain like this. It's physically tangible, not just emotional. There's a constant, hard knot in my chest that I'm starting to be able to ignore, but is always there, regardless.

Nobody ever told me a broken heart felt like this. It's the worst feeling I have ever experienced. I can't say my life has been roses; it certainly hasn't. My father's abandonment, my mother's emotional and verbal abuse, abject poverty, and eventual estrangement from my family... It's not like any of that was ever easy.

But it was never this hard. Waking up each morning and knowing my world has fallen apart, that I've lost a piece of myself, that I've lost the most important thing in my life, and that was my Love...

I want my life back. I want my boyfriend - my lover and best friend and family, all rolled into one - I want him back. I want to look at him and know he loves me, that we'll make it through anything.

I want to wake up tomorrow morning and find out this was all just a terrible dream, and everything's actually okay.

I love him. That can't change; I thought I'd be with him til the end. I can't let it go, I can't let him go.