Slowly but Surely (and Painfully)

I believe less and less that he will actually turn around and want to be with me again.  But I still hope as hard as ever that it will happen.  That I will get that 1 in a million chance that will turn him around.  I really miss him.  I keep hoping one of his friends will finally talk sense into him (fat chance, I am sure they are all telling him he's better off without me) or that he'll see me interacting with his family, and it will show him how good I would be in his life.

He told me a couple months ago, when I first mentioned to him that I was thinking of moving out, that he would really miss me, and that I was the only friend he really had to spend time with these days.  But that's not so much the case these days.  He has lots of girls vying to fill up his dance card and every time I turn around he's out fucking some new girl or another.  And then me.  Because I cannot ever bring myself to say no to that man.  Because even though I know it will never work, I have this stupid shred of hope that says to me, maybe this time, it will remind him how good we were together.  But in any case, if I moved out now, I don't think he'd care much.  He'd probably prefer it, honestly.  He's got lots of new friends who will have sex with him whenever he wants or is bored or lonely.

Anyway.  I'm looking again at sublets.  I can't afford much more than what I am paying now, so it's still unlikely that I'll be able to move out.  And I don't really want to, but at the same time, I want to stop torturing myself.  It's such a mess.  I miss him so much.  Which I ma have already said in this post, but it's hard to tell because I can't see the screen very well through my tears.  How's that for emo?  Ugh.  I've turned into such a freak since he dumped me.

Korea's going to be very good for me.  I need to get away.  Far, far away.  And I know that before I go, I'm going to tell him that I love him.  And that all he'll ever have to do is ask.  But, I'll be leaving, and he will have time away from me to think about what he's actually lost.  He hasn't lost anything in this.  If I want him back, if I want to believe that he'll love me again, I know it won't like this.  He hasn't lost me.  He lives with me.  Whenever he's horny, I'll have sex with him.  We cook together, we eat together, we work together, we spend whatever free time he's not fucking other girls together.  He has not only gotten his cake, but he gets to eat it, too.  I am the only person who's lost anything in this arrangement.  And that's not fair to me.  It's harmful to me.

Yes, he is my friend, and one of my best friends.  I still trust him more than most people in my life.  But I can do that without being his fake wife.  I can do that while living somewhere else and just being friends with him from afar, like I am with all my other friends.  Because this is really a mess.  I miss him, and love him, and resent him, and hate him, and don't know why I'm doing this to myself.

I don't know what I'm doing, other than setting myself up for heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak. All from the same man, who's already done it on numerous occasions.

I don't even know what to say

So.  We're here in Ontario, and last night we went out drinking with some of his friends from high school.

On the walk home, we got into a huge drunk fight (that he started, and that's not me being petulant). Here's the rundown:

He asked me to be honest about my feelings because he caught me crying a bit the other day when I thought I was alone, and I told him we didn't need to talk about it, and he said yes we did, so I told him the honest truth about my feelings - that I still love him, that I know he doesn't love me, and that hurts and blah blah blah. He got upset and said that he wished I wouldn't be in love with him anymore, because all his family and friends keep pulling him aside and telling him its so obvious that I am and I told him that it's not like I can control it, and he accused me of being evasive for some reason that I still don't understand, and I told him i was just answering his question - he told me to be honest, and I was.

I told him that I just wanted to stay friends with him, and what other people are doing is not my fault, and I was sorry that I still felt this way, that I'm trying not to, but in the meantime, I just ignore it. That I'm running away to Korea to get away from it and he wouldn't have to deal with me at all then anymore. He doesn't need to see me crying, I only did it because I thought he wouldn't see. blah blah blah. In his traditionally pig-headed drunken way he continued to find this some weird affront to himself and he said I was evasive (again), being a bitch, that he regretted ever dating me, that I had always treated him like shit and he doesn't forgive me for that, blah blah blah.

So I told him that I was well aware of my short comings, that I know how much I hurt him, that it's the biggest regret of my life and I know I can never be forgiven for it, but that it doesn't matter if HE ever forgives me for it or not (which he's told me before that he did, so he's lying one way or the other) because I will never forgive myself for it, and that he was and had always been mean and neglectful and had been an awful boyfriend.

And then we went inside and had some leftover sausages and then he apologized and then we went to sleep and this morning he apologized for saying things to hurt me, and that he didn't mean that he regrets dating me or that he doesn't forgive me and he's sorry he said things to hurt me. And I apologized for saying he had been an awful boyfriend, (because he hadn't been awful, there were lots of things he did that were amazing).

So, blah. Things are alright now, I guess. Ish.

I just hate when stuff like that happens, because it drives home even more that there is no real hope of us getting back together. And I feel like he gets confused about how he's feeling, and then pushes us to a fight so that he can say to himself "oh yeah, this is the problem, she's a crazy person with too many emotions who blows everything out of proportion."

I miss him a lot. I hate that I do. I want to be over him, and I really wish I was. Because then we could just be friends without all of this drama. Becuase it's going to make it impossible for us to stay friends.

So. Yeah. That's been the only real blow-up this month, though. Although it was a pretty bad one.  And I know he's telling his friends about it and they're all going to think I'm some crazy bitch or something.  It's devastating to deal with this stuff.  I just want to get on with my life at this point.

Sigh.

<3
Wooden Bird

A Masochistic Christmas

I'm spending December in Ontario with my ex and his family.  This was decided because I'm estranged from my family and so obviously don't spend the holidays with them.

So far it's been... confusing.  His family is awesome; they are all good and caring people.  Nothing less than warmly welcoming.  But, it's painful in ways.  His sister-in-law told me they were all heartbroken to hear about the breakup, and she hoped her husband (his brother) could talk some sense into him. I cried at that, so that was nice and embarassing, but she is one of the sweetest people in existence, and was super kind to me.

It's hard to see all these happy families and couples - especially his brother and sister-in-law.  Those two have an amazing relationship and love each other to pieces.  It makes me miss him all the more.

I don't know.  It's weird. I go back and forth between thinking this was a bad idea and not. So, yeah.

Blah.

<3
Wooden Bird

I do want to move on, Maybe

I think I do want to move on.  I'm tired of feeling jealous every time some new woman falls into his lap (literally). I'm tired of getting so irrationally angry at his lack of feelings for me that I snap and say hurtful things to him.

I want to love him, I want him to love me, but I don't want to feel this way anymore.  Sadder than I've ever been one moment, and then angry and jealous the next.  It's crippling.

I want to move on, and I kind of think getting involved with someone else would be one way to do that.  But I have yet to meet anybody who I'm interested in beyond random makeouts.  Well, no, that's a lie. There are two people who I would consider pursuing something with: the one doesn't want to upset his friendship with my ex and is in a weird limbo with the girl he's currently in love with; and the other just isn't going to happen for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that she lives on the other side of the country.

But other than those two exceptions, I'm just all... "blahhhh" about people.  I've been seeing this super sweet girl, and she's really pretty and fun to be around and I do really like her, but I don't see that going anywhere serious.  I don't feel anything like I felt with my ex so immediately.  There's guy I've seen once and chatted with a bunch, and it's the same story.  Cute, fun to talk to... but none of that gut feeling.  Random makeouts with an acquaintance the other day went nowhere, because a) awful kisser, and b) I was bored being with someone I care nothing about.  Although, I will admit that I probably would have been less bored if he hadn't been such an awful kisser.

So, I don't know what to do with myself.  I guess I should just get happier being alone with superficial "romantic" encounters?  It feels so empty, knowing now what it's like to be with someone you love so deeply.  I just don't know what to do about that.  I feel like this would be a lot easier of a transition if I had no clue what it was like to be with someone you love so much.

I also feel like a total tool because I'm sure I sound like Bella, and it makes even me gag.

Blahhhh.

<3
Wooden Bird