Empowerment

I know I'm supposed to eventually move on from this breakup and live my life. I know I'm supposed to be an empowered woman who can do her own thing, who doesn't need anybody to make her happy...

Well, yeah. I can be happy without him. I can live my life without him. I can be successful, and do my own thing, and get on with everything without him. But it certainly won't be the same. I won't ever get over it, it seems. I love him as much now as I ever did. I miss him desperately every day. I can do my things, get my life moving, but I'm always missing him.

I'm not saying he completes me, or that I'm nothing without him, or that I'm less than whole. I know I'm a strong woman, whole and complete in my own right. But it was really nice to have my best friend by my side, to love me and support and take care of me. It was really nice to have somebody to love, who loved me back. It was more than just nice.

I feel like women feel like grieving over the loss of a man is something they shouldn't do, because it disempowers them. Well. It can, I agree. But it doesn't have to. I know I have a life ahead of me, with or without him. I know I can experience things and follow my dreams whether or not he's by my side.

But it doesn't change the fact that I always have this little sad part of me, and that it would all be so much better if he was there. An analogy I heard today was that it's like cake and icing. Icing's great, everybody wants icing. You can't JUST eat the icing. But if it comes down to starving or eating cake without icing, I'll the eat the cake. But I'll wish there was icing.

I never knew a heart could hurt this much. I never knew loving somebody could be so painful. I know I talk about it a lot, and whoever is reading this probably doesn't care. But it's a big part of my life right now, it's something I think about a lot, and it's something that affects me every day. I miss him so much. I miss being loved by him, and the security and the hope and the happiness that came with it.

I miss knowing I was going to grow old with my best friend. That I'd always have this amazing, special person by my side to experience everything with. I want that back. I want that back so bad that I sometimes don't know what to do with myelf.

I feel like I should eventually stop talking to my friends about this, because otherwise they're going to think I am not getting over this, they're going to get sick of listening to it. It makes me so sad to be without him, though. And I know I'll keep crying, for a long time. I know I'll be crying long after I stop talking about it. I know I'll be crying long after people will think I've moved on.

I don't see and end to this feeling in sight. I don't see it stopping. That makes me even sadder, but at the same time, I don't really want to stop loving him, and I feel like the only way it will stop hurting is when I stop loving. I can't do that. He means so much to me. I would do almost anything for him.

I love him. And it hurts. And it sucks. But I'll keep on living, because I can. Because I'm strong. Because I can't let this stop me. But I can let it hurt me, and it does.

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Wooden Bird 

 

dPain over DT (from XKCD)

Well. Don't I Feel Stupid.

My ex got home from his date this morning. He's seeing this girl and I guess its getting serious, so that's great.

Anyway on the walk to campus, I asked him what the hell what he said on sunday night to me was supposed to mean.

And he was like "well, I don't know, I was drunk and sentimental. I'm sorry I said it, I shouldn't have. It doesn't mean I'm IN love with you or want to get back together with you," yadda yadda yadda.

It was basically like being broken up with all over again, so that sucked. I spent most of the walk bawling my eyes out and asking him what the hell is wrong with me that he cares about me and gets along with me but doesn't want to be with me.

Happy birthday to me?

I'm not looking forward to 24.

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Wooden Bird 

Things I Learned in Montreal

Boys who are ex-boyfriends and also your roommate and traveling with you and sometimes someone who have sex with will get drunk and tell you they love you, and that they're sorry. And then nothing will change and you will have no idea what that means or where you stand anymore and it will be confusing and sad, and you'll go home and bawl your eyes out in the shower because what. the fuck? I don't understand why he doesn't want to be with me if he loves me. I just don't get it. Maybe he'll figure out what the hell he wants by the time I get back from Korea. In the meantime, I am left more confused than anything.
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Wooden Bird

One step forward, two strides back

Still left wondering what the hell happened to my life.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. What I even want to do. If I want to do anything.
I miss him. I keep missing him and it just gets worse, not better.
I feel like no matter how many pieces I accumulate, this puzzle is still a mess. I can't sort it out and I just feel like I'm facing something largely futile.
I think going to Korea will be good for me, but what does "good for me" mean? I feel like I'll spend a lot of my time not working crying (not that that is any different from now.) I'll just be unable to knock on his door in the middle of the night and ask if I can sleep in his bed.
I feel like such a child. I do things like that. I'll be feeling miserable and lonely, and instead of dealing with it, powering through it, I just cry for a bit and then break down and ask him to hold me. And he still does. Is it any surprise I can't stop loving this man?

We had a weird discussion on Monday.

We were having a pint at the pub where he first told me he was falling in love with me, two years ago. He doesn't remember that, so I don't think he realizes the irony of us being there. It brings back memories for me, and so it's hard to be there.

He told me one of the reasons he can't see us being together is we communicate with each other poorly - not that we don't try, but that we communicate so radically different that it's just too frustrating. The conversation hadn't started there and it caught me off guard, so I just spent a couple of minutes trying not to cry, because the pub was nearly empty and it would have been really obivous to the few other patrons and the staff.

He was surprised and asked me if it was still that raw, and I said "well, yeah, I'm still in love with you." He kind of sighed and said sorry.

Later on, as we were walking home, I apologized for taking things so literally, and I likened it to when he left me. He was surprised that I hadn't seen it coming, and I asked him why it was so surprising... He had told me up to that same day, he was still saying "I love you" which to me meant we were still together and still working on things.

Then he said, "Well, I did, I do love you."

And I said, "You said you didn't!"

"Well, I do. I care about you. Just not enough to keep putting myself through that." ("That" being the constant fighting and my emotional instability).

What is that? What the hell does that mean? Does he still have feelings for me and is just so sure that we could never work long term that he just won't try again? I don't know where to go with a statement like that.

What would you do? What do you think is happening here? Gods know I can't figure it out.

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Wooden Bird