Why Being a Grown Up Is Lame

When you're my age (23) people sort of expect you to act like a grown up. This means not throwing tantrums, getting an education or a job, maintaining stable and healthy relationships with other people, paying bills on time, building credit, and all sorts of other things that tell the world you are no longer a child.

However, this sucks. Especially the tantrums and relationships part. If I could throw a tantrum about the state of my relationships right now, I would.

I'm tired of being alone, and I miss my ex. We're roommates and trying to stay friends and still spend half our time together. Many of my friends, and his friends, think this is a terrible idea and that we're crazy. My friends think I won't get over him because of this. They think that getting over him is the only way for me to move on with my life.

Well. You know... maybe getting over him would be the grown up thing to do. And maybe saying "I don't wanna" is childish and silly and I should act my age. But...

I don't wanna.

I can move on with my life, and get a job and a house and even have relationships and have a successful and pleasant life even if I don't get over him, and I'm really tired of my friends giving me that "you're just hurting yourself more" look.

I loved this man freely for nearly two years. Maybe that's not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but it was such a complete and embedded part of who I was, that it helped shape the person I am now. And I still love him, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I care about him so much, he remains one of my best and closest friends. If he didn't care at all about me, he wouldn't be trying to maintain our friendship as well, so you know... fuck being a grown up. I don't want to be a grown up if the rational thought that accompanies it means giving up on an incredible friendship just because we used to have sex and then he broke my heart.

Yeah, it's weird when he brings a girl home, because I get jealous and wish he still wanted me, and he's totally okay with it when *I* bring a girl home, because he's not the one still hung up on our relationship, but you know what. I can deal with weird. I can deal with some emotional hardship if the big picture means I don't lose my best friend, one of the most caring and intelligent and funny people I have ever known.

I'm dating again. I've been out with a couple girls, and I don't know. Maybe I'll move in on a guy friend who is recently out of a shitty relationship, as well. Who knows. The point is, I'm moving on with my life, but I'm doing it without getting over him.

Why? Why am I so adamant about holding on to him this way? Because I want to want him still, if he ever turns to me and says "I needed this time apart, but I miss you, and I do love you, and I want to try to make this work again." In case he ever needs me and wants me again, I want to be here for him, I want to take him back and still love him with all my heart.

I don't think letting part of myself wait for him will cripple my life or my happiness. I watched my mother's miserable marriages fall apart one after the other, and I'm not going to let myself be as miserable and disappointed as she was. I'm not going to give up completely on the one truest love I've ever experienced. I think keeping ahold of it might be the most positive thing I could do, because as long as I hold on to it, it suggests that I still believe in the impossible.

I know very well that he'll probably never turn around and ask me to come back into his life in the capacity of lover and partner, but there's always a chance. I am not a psychic, I can't see the future.

I have hope, and yeah, hope isn't cynical enough to be a grown up experience these days; at least it seems that way. And so, being grown up is lame, and I refuse. I will hold on to my childish hope and live in an ignorant haze all my life, believing I could be truly and completely happy, someday.

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Wooden Bird

It's closing time.....

Moving Day will soon be upon us... 13 days and 14 hours according to my countdown programme.

It's been a pretty sad process. My Love is staying with a friend for now, so we can have some space before we move back in as just roommates/friends in September. I miss him a lot; it's hard not to cry when I think about what I've lost. He's been my best friend and my family for so long now, I still don't know what I'm going to do without him. I still hold out hope, as desperate and silly as that may be, that we'll eventually get back together.

We're almost completely packed up. The two of us spent yesterday and some of today working on that.

Two of my very good friends are getting married on Saturday. I'm excited for them. It's kind of bittersweet for me, right now, but I'm really excited for them. They're an amazing couple.

That's all for now, folks.

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Wooden Bird

I've been watching a lot of Dr. Who lately...

"Some things are worth getting your heart broken for." - Sarah Jane Smith (School Reunion, Doctor Who)

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

A week and a half ago, my boyfriend informed me that we were over.

It's been a hard week and a half.

Knitting has been difficult; I learned to knit so I could make him a scarf, and I think about that every time I pick up my needles. I've managed to distract myself with friends long enough to get a few things done, but it's been difficult.

We're trying to remain friends, because he still cares about me (just not like that) and I still love him (because I can't not) and we've already signed a lease with a friend, so we need to get along.

I miss him terribly. I miss us terribly. I've never felt a pain like this. It's physically tangible, not just emotional. There's a constant, hard knot in my chest that I'm starting to be able to ignore, but is always there, regardless.

Nobody ever told me a broken heart felt like this. It's the worst feeling I have ever experienced. I can't say my life has been roses; it certainly hasn't. My father's abandonment, my mother's emotional and verbal abuse, abject poverty, and eventual estrangement from my family... It's not like any of that was ever easy.

But it was never this hard. Waking up each morning and knowing my world has fallen apart, that I've lost a piece of myself, that I've lost the most important thing in my life, and that was my Love...

I want my life back. I want my boyfriend - my lover and best friend and family, all rolled into one - I want him back. I want to look at him and know he loves me, that we'll make it through anything.

I want to wake up tomorrow morning and find out this was all just a terrible dream, and everything's actually okay.

I love him. That can't change; I thought I'd be with him til the end. I can't let it go, I can't let him go.