History Repeats Itself

Someday, I might have a son or a daughter.  And I know they're going to meet someone one day, and I'm going to try my best to tell them, "Be careful. Don't do something for them, if it's not for you, too. Because you'll regret it if things don't work out."  And they're going to look at me like I'm old and silly, and say, "Mom, I'm not going to make the same mistakes you did."  And it's going to break my heart as I pray that that is true, and that they truly do find someone who will be worth their gifts and sacrifices.

He is moving out, and he says he wants "space" and so we can't see each other or talk after he's gone, for some indeterminate amount of time. Until he's ready.  He doesn't know when he'll be ready to be my friend.  He's moving out on Sunday, and he's cutting me off at that point, and he's doing everything in his power to avoid me this week, when it's the last time I have with him for who knows how long.

And he's seeing some girl. And he really likes her, and I don't want him to.  I want him to want me, not somebody else.  And I'm so ashamed of myself for letting someone break my heart again and again and again.  I'm ashamed that I don't have more self-respect than this.  That I keep begging him and pleading with him and praying that despite everything he has put me hrough, that he'll take me back.

I hate my life these days.  I don't even know who I am anymore.  I do't want to be like this, but I don't want to stop loving him.

Bah.

Everytime you think you're getting on an even keel, something happens to remind you how broken hearted you are.

Sometimes I hate myself for the decisions I've made around this relationship. I feel like all I do is torture myself.

I had coffee with an old acquaintence today who I haven't spoken to in 2 years... he's in the same boat, go figure, living with his ex. I thought I was the only crazy person in town...

My Slutty Week (yeah yeah, not very feminist of me)*

We were drunk on Thursday night, and he asked me to come to bed with him. I had spent the previous two or three nights convincing myself not to ask him if I could stay in his room - and succeeding! Which is good, there have been more than a few times where I did ask, so I felt really strong (miserable, but strong) that I didn't.  But on Thursday, he asked, and of course I said yes.  Does he really think I'll ever say no to him?  I'll never mean it, even if I manage eventually to say it.

So we went to bed and we had sex.  It was different than it's been up to this point though.  He was gentler, took more time... I don't know.  It felt more affectionate and less dissonant.  The pattern since we broke up was that we would have sex and it would be immediate and rough and little-to-no foreplay, and he would be out of bed immediately afterwards.  This time it wasn't like that.  So I don't know what that means, or if it means anything.  Maybe it just happened and there's not underlying meaning, but I can't really buy that.  I'm a firm believer that our actions belie our underlying psyche, especially when we're drunk.

And then... the next nigh (last night) I went out with some friends, and I hooked up with my friend's friend.  This would be the first guy I've slept with other than my ex since the breakup.  (There was one guy during the relationship, during an orgy we had).  So... I don't know.  It's kind of weird.

It wasn't bad - we were both pretty drunk, but we had sex again this morning before I went home.  It was different, obviously, made all the more obvious by the fact that I had slept with my ex the night before.  So there's te obvious comparisons (the hookup was bigger).  He wasn't bad, but I didn't orgasm.  I have never been with a guy where I didn't orgasm during sex.  I'm trying to think of one time that ever happened, and besides the time I lost my virginity, I honestly don't think I have ever not orgasmed during sex with a guy.  So... I don't know, that's unfortunate.  Maybe it was a combination of being too drunk the night before, and too dehydrated in the morning...

I missed the familiarity.  I know all the things that get my ex going during sex.  I know exactly where to lick or touch or what to say to drive him nuts... Hookup Guy was... unknown.  And quiet, so I couldn't even tell if anything I was doing was turning him on or not or what.

So. I don't know.  That was a weird experience, sort of.  He's a cute guy, seems nice enough.  The goodbyes were a little awkward.  I gave him my number and he sort of stood about 3 feet away as I left.  So... kind of awkward, yeah.

Now I just feel sad.  I miss my ex.  I miss being in a relationship with him.  There's still so many times I just want to reach out and hold his hand, and I can't.  We'll be sitting together watching tv or something, and I'll just want to rest my head on his shoulder and hold his arm and smell him and know that good things await us.  And.... it's not possible. And I sit there trying not to cry when that happens, and trying to focus on whatever we're watching, and not on how close he is and still untouchable.

Korea will be good for me, if only because it will force distance.

----

*I say slutty week in the title because I also had sex this week with one of the girls I've been seeing.  So. 3 people in one week. It's a bit much, especially for me.

Slowly but Surely (and Painfully)

I believe less and less that he will actually turn around and want to be with me again.  But I still hope as hard as ever that it will happen.  That I will get that 1 in a million chance that will turn him around.  I really miss him.  I keep hoping one of his friends will finally talk sense into him (fat chance, I am sure they are all telling him he's better off without me) or that he'll see me interacting with his family, and it will show him how good I would be in his life.

He told me a couple months ago, when I first mentioned to him that I was thinking of moving out, that he would really miss me, and that I was the only friend he really had to spend time with these days.  But that's not so much the case these days.  He has lots of girls vying to fill up his dance card and every time I turn around he's out fucking some new girl or another.  And then me.  Because I cannot ever bring myself to say no to that man.  Because even though I know it will never work, I have this stupid shred of hope that says to me, maybe this time, it will remind him how good we were together.  But in any case, if I moved out now, I don't think he'd care much.  He'd probably prefer it, honestly.  He's got lots of new friends who will have sex with him whenever he wants or is bored or lonely.

Anyway.  I'm looking again at sublets.  I can't afford much more than what I am paying now, so it's still unlikely that I'll be able to move out.  And I don't really want to, but at the same time, I want to stop torturing myself.  It's such a mess.  I miss him so much.  Which I ma have already said in this post, but it's hard to tell because I can't see the screen very well through my tears.  How's that for emo?  Ugh.  I've turned into such a freak since he dumped me.

Korea's going to be very good for me.  I need to get away.  Far, far away.  And I know that before I go, I'm going to tell him that I love him.  And that all he'll ever have to do is ask.  But, I'll be leaving, and he will have time away from me to think about what he's actually lost.  He hasn't lost anything in this.  If I want him back, if I want to believe that he'll love me again, I know it won't like this.  He hasn't lost me.  He lives with me.  Whenever he's horny, I'll have sex with him.  We cook together, we eat together, we work together, we spend whatever free time he's not fucking other girls together.  He has not only gotten his cake, but he gets to eat it, too.  I am the only person who's lost anything in this arrangement.  And that's not fair to me.  It's harmful to me.

Yes, he is my friend, and one of my best friends.  I still trust him more than most people in my life.  But I can do that without being his fake wife.  I can do that while living somewhere else and just being friends with him from afar, like I am with all my other friends.  Because this is really a mess.  I miss him, and love him, and resent him, and hate him, and don't know why I'm doing this to myself.

I don't know what I'm doing, other than setting myself up for heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak. All from the same man, who's already done it on numerous occasions.

A Masochistic Christmas

I'm spending December in Ontario with my ex and his family.  This was decided because I'm estranged from my family and so obviously don't spend the holidays with them.

So far it's been... confusing.  His family is awesome; they are all good and caring people.  Nothing less than warmly welcoming.  But, it's painful in ways.  His sister-in-law told me they were all heartbroken to hear about the breakup, and she hoped her husband (his brother) could talk some sense into him. I cried at that, so that was nice and embarassing, but she is one of the sweetest people in existence, and was super kind to me.

It's hard to see all these happy families and couples - especially his brother and sister-in-law.  Those two have an amazing relationship and love each other to pieces.  It makes me miss him all the more.

I don't know.  It's weird. I go back and forth between thinking this was a bad idea and not. So, yeah.

Blah.

<3
Wooden Bird

I do want to move on, Maybe

I think I do want to move on.  I'm tired of feeling jealous every time some new woman falls into his lap (literally). I'm tired of getting so irrationally angry at his lack of feelings for me that I snap and say hurtful things to him.

I want to love him, I want him to love me, but I don't want to feel this way anymore.  Sadder than I've ever been one moment, and then angry and jealous the next.  It's crippling.

I want to move on, and I kind of think getting involved with someone else would be one way to do that.  But I have yet to meet anybody who I'm interested in beyond random makeouts.  Well, no, that's a lie. There are two people who I would consider pursuing something with: the one doesn't want to upset his friendship with my ex and is in a weird limbo with the girl he's currently in love with; and the other just isn't going to happen for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that she lives on the other side of the country.

But other than those two exceptions, I'm just all... "blahhhh" about people.  I've been seeing this super sweet girl, and she's really pretty and fun to be around and I do really like her, but I don't see that going anywhere serious.  I don't feel anything like I felt with my ex so immediately.  There's guy I've seen once and chatted with a bunch, and it's the same story.  Cute, fun to talk to... but none of that gut feeling.  Random makeouts with an acquaintance the other day went nowhere, because a) awful kisser, and b) I was bored being with someone I care nothing about.  Although, I will admit that I probably would have been less bored if he hadn't been such an awful kisser.

So, I don't know what to do with myself.  I guess I should just get happier being alone with superficial "romantic" encounters?  It feels so empty, knowing now what it's like to be with someone you love so deeply.  I just don't know what to do about that.  I feel like this would be a lot easier of a transition if I had no clue what it was like to be with someone you love so much.

I also feel like a total tool because I'm sure I sound like Bella, and it makes even me gag.

Blahhhh.

<3
Wooden Bird 

Well. Don't I Feel Stupid.

My ex got home from his date this morning. He's seeing this girl and I guess its getting serious, so that's great.

Anyway on the walk to campus, I asked him what the hell what he said on sunday night to me was supposed to mean.

And he was like "well, I don't know, I was drunk and sentimental. I'm sorry I said it, I shouldn't have. It doesn't mean I'm IN love with you or want to get back together with you," yadda yadda yadda.

It was basically like being broken up with all over again, so that sucked. I spent most of the walk bawling my eyes out and asking him what the hell is wrong with me that he cares about me and gets along with me but doesn't want to be with me.

Happy birthday to me?

I'm not looking forward to 24.

</3
Wooden Bird 

Things I Learned in Montreal

Boys who are ex-boyfriends and also your roommate and traveling with you and sometimes someone who have sex with will get drunk and tell you they love you, and that they're sorry. And then nothing will change and you will have no idea what that means or where you stand anymore and it will be confusing and sad, and you'll go home and bawl your eyes out in the shower because what. the fuck? I don't understand why he doesn't want to be with me if he loves me. I just don't get it. Maybe he'll figure out what the hell he wants by the time I get back from Korea. In the meantime, I am left more confused than anything.
<3
Wooden Bird

One step forward, two strides back

Still left wondering what the hell happened to my life.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. What I even want to do. If I want to do anything.
I miss him. I keep missing him and it just gets worse, not better.
I feel like no matter how many pieces I accumulate, this puzzle is still a mess. I can't sort it out and I just feel like I'm facing something largely futile.
I think going to Korea will be good for me, but what does "good for me" mean? I feel like I'll spend a lot of my time not working crying (not that that is any different from now.) I'll just be unable to knock on his door in the middle of the night and ask if I can sleep in his bed.
I feel like such a child. I do things like that. I'll be feeling miserable and lonely, and instead of dealing with it, powering through it, I just cry for a bit and then break down and ask him to hold me. And he still does. Is it any surprise I can't stop loving this man?

We had a weird discussion on Monday.

We were having a pint at the pub where he first told me he was falling in love with me, two years ago. He doesn't remember that, so I don't think he realizes the irony of us being there. It brings back memories for me, and so it's hard to be there.

He told me one of the reasons he can't see us being together is we communicate with each other poorly - not that we don't try, but that we communicate so radically different that it's just too frustrating. The conversation hadn't started there and it caught me off guard, so I just spent a couple of minutes trying not to cry, because the pub was nearly empty and it would have been really obivous to the few other patrons and the staff.

He was surprised and asked me if it was still that raw, and I said "well, yeah, I'm still in love with you." He kind of sighed and said sorry.

Later on, as we were walking home, I apologized for taking things so literally, and I likened it to when he left me. He was surprised that I hadn't seen it coming, and I asked him why it was so surprising... He had told me up to that same day, he was still saying "I love you" which to me meant we were still together and still working on things.

Then he said, "Well, I did, I do love you."

And I said, "You said you didn't!"

"Well, I do. I care about you. Just not enough to keep putting myself through that." ("That" being the constant fighting and my emotional instability).

What is that? What the hell does that mean? Does he still have feelings for me and is just so sure that we could never work long term that he just won't try again? I don't know where to go with a statement like that.

What would you do? What do you think is happening here? Gods know I can't figure it out.

<3
Wooden Bird