It's always something else

I hate it when he goes on dates. I just end up spending my evening crying and over eating. What the fuck is wrong with me, and why aren't I over him yet?

The Amazing Single Woman

Nearly all of my friends believe that I should embrace being single. I haven't been single since I was 18, and this is somehow unhealthy and being a serial monogamisht is apparently a crutch.

But I hate being alone. I have always been happiest when I've had someone to rely on and love and feel loved by.  That's a lie. I used to be that way. My ex, my love, is the only man I've ever been with who managed to make me feel miserable for loving him.

I finally broke and said to my best childhood friend that I was sick of being alone. She said she had been waiting for that; she said she knows I'm not the kind of person who enjoys being single, and that I should just ignore everyone else and do what makes me happy.

The weird thing is, I've always had such an easy time jumping straight into another relationship - I've never been single for longer than a month or two since my first year of university. I think I've lost my game.

But in any case. I hate it. I just want somebody to want me. My friend, who I like and am attracted to (very much) and recently had his heart broken, too; I've more or less propositioned him twice now - last night he even crashed in my bed and we drunkenly passed out half-naked but doing nothing but holding each other...

he's the only person to ever reject me or say they didn't want to at least have sex with me. So that's... I don't know.  Probably it shows that he is a bigger person than I am. In the meantime, I just feel like I want someone to want me. To really want me, to see me and be in love with me.

And maybe that's not fair, because they won't get all of me, I probably won't be in love with them, at least not deeply, but damn it, I am sick of feeling unloved and alone and unwanted.  I just want to be with someone again.  I didn't get a rebound relationship after this breakup, and maybe I really need one. Or maybe I just need something honest and gentle and special, even if it's not as powerful as what I thought I had with my ex was, what's left in my heart for him.

Maybe I just want something benign and safe and good and stable and warm that I can come to bed to find waiting for me.

Maybe I should stop listening to my Catharthis playlist.

Bah.

Everytime you think you're getting on an even keel, something happens to remind you how broken hearted you are.

Sometimes I hate myself for the decisions I've made around this relationship. I feel like all I do is torture myself.

I had coffee with an old acquaintence today who I haven't spoken to in 2 years... he's in the same boat, go figure, living with his ex. I thought I was the only crazy person in town...

My Slutty Week (yeah yeah, not very feminist of me)*

We were drunk on Thursday night, and he asked me to come to bed with him. I had spent the previous two or three nights convincing myself not to ask him if I could stay in his room - and succeeding! Which is good, there have been more than a few times where I did ask, so I felt really strong (miserable, but strong) that I didn't.  But on Thursday, he asked, and of course I said yes.  Does he really think I'll ever say no to him?  I'll never mean it, even if I manage eventually to say it.

So we went to bed and we had sex.  It was different than it's been up to this point though.  He was gentler, took more time... I don't know.  It felt more affectionate and less dissonant.  The pattern since we broke up was that we would have sex and it would be immediate and rough and little-to-no foreplay, and he would be out of bed immediately afterwards.  This time it wasn't like that.  So I don't know what that means, or if it means anything.  Maybe it just happened and there's not underlying meaning, but I can't really buy that.  I'm a firm believer that our actions belie our underlying psyche, especially when we're drunk.

And then... the next nigh (last night) I went out with some friends, and I hooked up with my friend's friend.  This would be the first guy I've slept with other than my ex since the breakup.  (There was one guy during the relationship, during an orgy we had).  So... I don't know.  It's kind of weird.

It wasn't bad - we were both pretty drunk, but we had sex again this morning before I went home.  It was different, obviously, made all the more obvious by the fact that I had slept with my ex the night before.  So there's te obvious comparisons (the hookup was bigger).  He wasn't bad, but I didn't orgasm.  I have never been with a guy where I didn't orgasm during sex.  I'm trying to think of one time that ever happened, and besides the time I lost my virginity, I honestly don't think I have ever not orgasmed during sex with a guy.  So... I don't know, that's unfortunate.  Maybe it was a combination of being too drunk the night before, and too dehydrated in the morning...

I missed the familiarity.  I know all the things that get my ex going during sex.  I know exactly where to lick or touch or what to say to drive him nuts... Hookup Guy was... unknown.  And quiet, so I couldn't even tell if anything I was doing was turning him on or not or what.

So. I don't know.  That was a weird experience, sort of.  He's a cute guy, seems nice enough.  The goodbyes were a little awkward.  I gave him my number and he sort of stood about 3 feet away as I left.  So... kind of awkward, yeah.

Now I just feel sad.  I miss my ex.  I miss being in a relationship with him.  There's still so many times I just want to reach out and hold his hand, and I can't.  We'll be sitting together watching tv or something, and I'll just want to rest my head on his shoulder and hold his arm and smell him and know that good things await us.  And.... it's not possible. And I sit there trying not to cry when that happens, and trying to focus on whatever we're watching, and not on how close he is and still untouchable.

Korea will be good for me, if only because it will force distance.

----

*I say slutty week in the title because I also had sex this week with one of the girls I've been seeing.  So. 3 people in one week. It's a bit much, especially for me.

Here's Some Salt for Your Wounds

I don't know why I do this to myself... I manage to find songs with lyrics so relevant to my breakup that I end up sobbing in the living room until 4am. You would think that almost five and a half months later I would know better. Happy songs. Hopeful songs. Not sad songs about unrequited love and heartbreak.

But, if you're anything like me, you won't take that advice.  In that case, check out Marketa Irglova's new album.  I've loved her since I saw the film Once and started listening to the Swell Season.  I was so happy to learn that she and Glen Hansard started dating in real life, and then heartbroken when I learned that they split up, because they seemed so sweet together, and made a fantastic duet.

I feel like this album is about that relationship a lot, but maybe not.  Maybe there was another heartbreaking relationship in her life.  In any case, from the lyrics, it sounds like she was the one doing the leaving (songs like For Old Time's Sake and Crossroads suggest as much, although it and others imply there was as much sadness on her part as there likely was on her partner's).  Listening to this album is like listening to my ex's words (particularly For Old Time's Sake - that one has had me sobbing gut-wrenchingly).

Although, songs like Now You Know and Go Back feel more like they're from my side, Your Company painfully so ..... and Divine Timing is probably along the lines of what I should be feeling and telling him.

Anyway, this is sounding more like a review for the album, but... it's sickening (in that cathartic, masochistically-good way) how much it resembles what's left of my ex and myself.

Setbacks

It's hard to reconcile the fact that you're someone's past now.  That when they talk about you to someone, you're "this girl I dated once" or "my ex". It's harder to reconcile the fact that somebody else is eventually going to fill the space you once did.  Somebody else is going to get to be "my wife".

Here's my tip: build a fort in your living room using blankets and the dining room table, and watch movies. I don't recommend 500 Days of Summer. Especially if you've been drinking.

Slowly but Surely (and Painfully)

I believe less and less that he will actually turn around and want to be with me again.  But I still hope as hard as ever that it will happen.  That I will get that 1 in a million chance that will turn him around.  I really miss him.  I keep hoping one of his friends will finally talk sense into him (fat chance, I am sure they are all telling him he's better off without me) or that he'll see me interacting with his family, and it will show him how good I would be in his life.

He told me a couple months ago, when I first mentioned to him that I was thinking of moving out, that he would really miss me, and that I was the only friend he really had to spend time with these days.  But that's not so much the case these days.  He has lots of girls vying to fill up his dance card and every time I turn around he's out fucking some new girl or another.  And then me.  Because I cannot ever bring myself to say no to that man.  Because even though I know it will never work, I have this stupid shred of hope that says to me, maybe this time, it will remind him how good we were together.  But in any case, if I moved out now, I don't think he'd care much.  He'd probably prefer it, honestly.  He's got lots of new friends who will have sex with him whenever he wants or is bored or lonely.

Anyway.  I'm looking again at sublets.  I can't afford much more than what I am paying now, so it's still unlikely that I'll be able to move out.  And I don't really want to, but at the same time, I want to stop torturing myself.  It's such a mess.  I miss him so much.  Which I ma have already said in this post, but it's hard to tell because I can't see the screen very well through my tears.  How's that for emo?  Ugh.  I've turned into such a freak since he dumped me.

Korea's going to be very good for me.  I need to get away.  Far, far away.  And I know that before I go, I'm going to tell him that I love him.  And that all he'll ever have to do is ask.  But, I'll be leaving, and he will have time away from me to think about what he's actually lost.  He hasn't lost anything in this.  If I want him back, if I want to believe that he'll love me again, I know it won't like this.  He hasn't lost me.  He lives with me.  Whenever he's horny, I'll have sex with him.  We cook together, we eat together, we work together, we spend whatever free time he's not fucking other girls together.  He has not only gotten his cake, but he gets to eat it, too.  I am the only person who's lost anything in this arrangement.  And that's not fair to me.  It's harmful to me.

Yes, he is my friend, and one of my best friends.  I still trust him more than most people in my life.  But I can do that without being his fake wife.  I can do that while living somewhere else and just being friends with him from afar, like I am with all my other friends.  Because this is really a mess.  I miss him, and love him, and resent him, and hate him, and don't know why I'm doing this to myself.

I don't know what I'm doing, other than setting myself up for heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak. All from the same man, who's already done it on numerous occasions.